How to find out who you are
by knowing who you are not!
That’s Not Me. That’s what Arya Stark says to her father when he lumps her in with the “ladies”. It’s my favorite line from the entire Game of Thrones series. It’s a theme she repeats throughout.
This is a girl who knows who she is and who she is not.
Arya’s father, Ned, says: “You will marry a high lord and rule his castle. And your sons shall be knights, and princes, and lords.”
But Arya shakes her head: “No. That’s not me.”To her Direwolf she hasn’t seen in years, “I’m heading North, girl. Back to Winterfell. I’m finally going home. Come with me.” But as Nymeria turns and runs off Arya totally understands she is not meant to be a pet, and Arya says, “That’s not you.”
To Gendry’s offer of marriage as she lets him down, says: “You’ll be a wonderful lord. But I’m not a lady. I never have been. That’s not me.“
That’s Not Me
And … I’ve just revealed what a Game of Thrones nerd I am. I love the show, OK, I said it. I actually love/hate it. The violence was beyond my tolerance and I experienced (rather than watched) a good portion of it with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I watched with my gals who would tell me when it was safe to look again. I could write a whole series of posts about GoT but that’s not why I am here today – I digress.
That’s Not Me
Back to the point. That’s Not Me. That statement is so incredibly powerful to me. It’s basically saying I know who I am, you can’t tell me who I am or where I belong.
Most of us are told from the very start of our lives who we are and where we are supposed to fit in, how we are supposed to act, what is proper, and “right”. It really fucks us up. (Oops I have a sailor’s mouth – but that’s just part of who I am!)
Many of us, including me. aren’t able to easily identify exactly who we are, who we truly are, because we haven’t had the chance to be who we are. Most of us aren’t our true selves – because of our parents, friends, social norms, or our own fears. And for women, well, we’ve had it pretty rough for about 20,000 years!
We, all of us, wear “veils” at one time or another. We mask who we are so we fit in, so we don’t draw attention, so we don’t cause trouble, so we aren’t embarrassed, so we blend in, so we are invisible, so we don’t take up too much space, so we are silent. And most women are pretty damn crafty at veiling themselves and presenting how they “should” to whatever audience they are with – at work, social gatherings, the grocery store, walking down the street. I could wax poetic about women’s suffering but that’s for another post (or million more).
Layers, layers, layers
We are veiled and layered in so many complex ways. I have so many layers I feel like a giant lady version of Randy from A Christmas Story!
I had a few early layers shellacked on in my childhood about how girls need to act, how to be a good-girl, be polite, be quiet, be ladylike, take up less space.
Like all women I have the 18th-century-corset-suffocating-shrink-wrapped layers about how my body should look – it needs to be supermodel gorgeous but sometimes also waifish paper-thin and also it should be superfit, but not too bulky, I should have perky boobs and a round butt…and…and…and…
Then there are work layers, oof the work layers. These are the see-saw-whiplash layers. We didn’t fight for equal rights for you to stop now. You can do anything you want. Women can’t do that type of work. Break that glass ceiling. Be a working mom. Be a stay-at-home mom. You’ll never make that much. Lean in. You have to work harder than everyone else if you want to succeed. No, do what you love! Dizzy yet?
There are also wife layers, mom layers, family and friendship layers, daughter layers, sister layers, co-worker layers, good person layers, belief and value layers, and so much more. Like a big old house with lots of rooms and each is a part of me, each one thickly wallpapered one layer over another.
But I am in here somewhere. And so are you.
Peel to Reveal
Identifying who we really are and acting accordingly requires us to peel off the layers. And peeling off the layers – removing the veils -can be terrifying. Because being unveiled makes you feel vulnerable, exposed, open for ridicule, and exclusion.
This is why it’s taken me so long to peel! The first layers didn’t start coming off until after my mom died in my early 30’s. Then as I came into my 40’s I began to ask myself what the actual fuck I am supposed to be doing with my life and why do I care so damn much about what other people think? And now I’m on the verge of my 50’s and I feel some real exfoliating coming on!
One of the ways that I have discovered who I am is by identifying who I am NOT.
Like Arya, I understand some things I’m NOT. I know I am not a fashion-forward, make-up wearing, power-suit sporting, flashy-car driving, heels & dresses kind of gal. That’s not me. I need jeans and a t-shirt, my Honda CRV, some flip flops and a top knot bun situation. That’s Me.
Some of the identifying is easy. BUT figuring out and accepting who I am without all the many layers well that’s another story. I have been so buried under 40+ years of “protection” it’s quite a process getting to the underlayers!
And now dear reader, I am finally getting to my point, to help you uncover your layers. To get busy peeling and unveiling. To go deep and reveal the beautiful you.
So how do we go from “That’s Not Me” to, hell yes, “That’s Me!”?
One way to get to the “that’s me” layer is to identify all layers that are “not me” AND start peeling them off. Ok this is actually an easy aha kind of moment once you get it.
If you know who you are not…you also already know who you are.
Boom. Mind blown!
You. Already. Know.
I fought – and still fight – this idea, wailing to myself “NO, I don’t know!” But that’s just because it’s hard for me to be myself. It is really hard for me to not identify with all of the messages received over a lifetime. And if you are like me (and most of humanity) you also have a hard time being exposed, unlayered, vulnerable, and it might take serious stripping to shed those layers and begin to be yourself, your true self, to be able to scream, “Aha, YES, THAT is me!”
Here’s the thing, it takes a bit of work, some time, real honesty, and some insight. But this I know for sure – life is too short to not be yourself. It is worth the effort. So, start right now, don’t wait another minute. Hop on my bandwagon and start stripping!
But how do I “just be myself”?
You can start by just asking yourself, “Is that me?”
Just start identifying all the things “not me” taking a long hard look at them, trying to see where they came from, asking if they belong, or need to be tossed, picking them apart and recognizing the parts of them that are you and need to be kept.
Here’s how part of this went for me. As previously stated like a million times – I was miserable in my “career”. My soul was screaming “That’s Not Me! You’re going the wrong way!” It was slapping the shit out of me trying to get me to pay attention. It was giving me some big old lessons and trying to help me be brave enough to BE ME.
And I KNEW that was not me. I was not doing what I was meant to be doing. And I knew this because it felt all kinds of wrong. And when I finally started to examine my “work layers” I discovered lies and truths and misunderstandings. Where did this idea that I had to work so hard come from? Do I really believe I can’t work for myself? What will people think if I don’t have a “real job”? Do I really care? Do I really hate bosses? Do I really believe money=success?
And as I wrote about, talked about it, thought about it, and felt it – my truth began to reveal itself.
Yes, I can be my own boss, I care what people think but not enough to stop me, happiness is more important than status or money, I work hard because I like it. This truth layer is still pretty tender requiring some TLC like a newborn babe whose skin needs powder and bonnets to protect it. But I feel light and fresh, scared sometimes, but as the layers peeled off it was such a relief. I can breathe.
It’s not over, I’ve only just begun. And this process will likely carry on as old layers are exposed and new layers are added over time. But now we will know what to do with them. When some new heavy-wool-coat-layer-about-some-new-shit comes along, we know that we can strip it off and be brave enough to be ourselves. And we will be OK. This post is proof, I 100000% would never have laid myself vulnerable like this before, and look I did it!
To sum up. Identify all that is NOT YOU by simply asking yourself, “hmm is that me, or some sorry old bullcrap skin suit I’ve been carrying around?” Peel to reveal. Be yourself! Done!
International Nurses Week
