We are perfectly imperfect beings. There is so much to be learned from our “mistakes” and “failures”. And so much to embrace in the unique flaws, dents, and scratches we all bring to the world.
I want to help you learn to let go of perfectionism, to create from your heart, and to create with joy, freedom, and confidence.
My family is very creative and I’m naturally curious, so I’ve been a creator, making and trying things, learning to craft, sew, cook, build, test ideas, and more my whole dang life.
But here’s my problem, just a teeny one, I battle perfectionism. I never think my creations are good enough. Even when everyone is praising them I am quick to point out all the flaws. And I’ve struggled with this my whole life and I bet if you are like me, you have too. Not feeling good enough. Finding flaws in everything I create. Applying harsh judgments to myself.
I’ve laid and manicured a well-traveled path of perfectionist self-criticism.
Don’t be like Martha.
Let me take you on a little journey to my youth. My grandma and mom were both cooking, crafting queens. Back then I always wanted to create like Martha Stewart. Growing up we had most of her books, her first book Entertaining, is still on my shelf somewhere. My grandma started getting her magazine, Martha Stewart Living, when it was first released in 1990 (and I still get it to this day!)
Martha is notorious for her perfectionism. She even says it herself!
I am a maniacal perfectionist.
~Martha Stewart
So you see, I was inspired to craft and sew and cook my little heart out for years, but with Martha’s voice in my head about the “right” and “perfect” way to do things. This voice fed my whack belief that perfect was the only way – anything else was garbage. Like literally rip it up and throw it in the trash. But I did not need any help pushing me to perfectionism, I was born with a crapload of that already.
Now don’t get me wrong – I have mad respect for Martha and her business. And dude, she literally failed – she went to jail! Then dusted that off like a little dust bunny and went on to continue to crush it. That’s the lesson I want to take away from Martha.
Flearn baby, flearn!
My lesson in life has been to learn to roll with it, to realize that good enough is good enough and that failure can actually be a good thing.
Now hear me out on this one. Failure is how we learn, I like to call it Flearning, some call it failing forward, whatever you call it, this builds resilience and confidence.
Good Enough is Good Enough.
Picking your projects apart does not benefit you, trust me. More often than not I’ll point out the dang “mistakes” in my projects because I’d be embarrassed they weren’t “perfect” but no one, NO ONE, would have noticed them had I not obsessed and felt like they weren’t good enough.
It wasn’t until my 40’s when I could finally find myself saying, “Oh, Martha, eff-off, no one needs to use a freaking template inside their envelope so they write the address straight!”. And be able to catch myself from apologizing for the “imperfect” projects I made or meals I served.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still have to actively work on overcoming my perfectionist tendencies. It’s part of my life’s journey and something I will always have to bring awareness to. But oh man, my life is infinitely better because of my work in this area of my life. I am more confident, I experience more joy and freedom and I am happier.
I’m not lazy I’m a perfectionist.
Perfectionist are often great procrastinators. If we can’t do it perfectly we don’t do it at all. Then we often beat ourselves up for being lazy. But really we are just so afraid of imperfection that we procrastinate away giant parts of our lives. We have a lot of all all or nothing thinking, it’s black or white, it’s perfect or not done at all.
It wasn’t until my late 40’s, sitting in a career counselor’s office, that I said out loud that I don’t try things unless I know I will be great at it. I. Don’t. Even. Try. She seemed shocked which made me really stop and think about it. There are a million things I haven’t tried in my life – on purpose. I realized my job-trap-cycle was my own doing – I kept doing jobs I was great at because I knew I would rock them all out of the park (of course, the cost was very high but I didn’t see it at the time).
So you see another big part of my life journey is to TRY things that I probably won’t be great at, that I might need to fail at, that I might need to learn from and be OK with it. Fail on purpose? Holy crap that is terrifying to a perfectionist. That’s the first step – face the terrifying, do it, and realize it ain’t so bad!
So if you are like me and some help I am sharing some lessons and things that are helping me on my journey.
Tips and Tools to Overcome Perfectionist Tendencies
Realizations
The first real step is to realize and have awareness about your thoughts and beliefs and actions. Just pay attention to what is going on. Often that is enough, when you realize what you are doing you are better able to stop.
- Realize that perfectionism causes you to suffer. The endless agony of trying to do everything perfectly will wear you down and make you sick. Perfectionism kills your joy and things are no longer fun to do when you demand perfection, it’s exhausting.
- Realize that perfectionism causes suffering to those around you. Perfectionism makes you a judgemental person. And applying your demanding standards to those around you negatively affects them and it makes you a miserable person to be around. Sorry but it’s true. Accepting this reality can help you see things differently – because I know you don’t want to cause intentional suffering to anyone!
- Realize how damaging it is to compare yourself to anyone but your own dang self. You have to do you. You are the only you there is, so focus on YOU. Expecting yourself to be at the level of an expert the first few times you try something is absurd. Are you meeting your own realistic goals? Did you do better the 5th time you tried something? Great! Then you are doing great!
- Realize your EGO is in your way. Surely being rewarded for being “perfect” feels good….you get praise or recognition for your work, efforts, and outcomes. But this reward is so brief, and often perfectionists can’t even appreciate it all. This is your ego searching for some external validation, approval, and accolades. You don’t need it, be enough for yourself instead.
- Realize the power and importance of building your confidence. Have faith and belief in yourself. Have enough confidence in yourself that it won’t matter one lick if you make a mistake because you will be resilient, strong, positive, and self-assured.
- Question your own thoughts and judgments and reset your standards. Are they realistic? Ask yourself to rethink them, “what will really happen if I serve this piece of lopsided cake?” Is it that bad? What would you say to a friend or a child serving you a lopsided cake? Realize that every “mistake” is not critical, the stakes aren’t life and death. Question yourself a lot, challenge your thoughts, you will find it very eye-opening.
- Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze? Ask yourself if the extra effort is really worth it. Do you need to re-do a whole project because of a smudge? Is that really worth it? Is 2 more hours wringing your hands over it worth it when it is time you could have spent with your kids having fun? Give yourself the gift of time, and ease up a bit.
Practices
- Praise yourself, and praise yourself often. Practice self-compassion. Perfectionists are never good enough in their own view. So stop that criticism now. Instead learn to praise your work, your efforts, yourself. You are a baddass. Accept the self-praise, let it sit there in your heart and take root. Water it every day and watch it grow.
- Practice letting good enough be good enough. Find the balance between doing good work but not OVER DOING IT. Yes, we want you to do well, but try to let that be enough.
- Practice giving up control of outcomes and the obsession to have things be a certain “right way”. There is not a single human who can control everything. Learning to give in and let things just be is very freeing.
- Try some stuff. Try doing some stuff you’ve never done, that you might fail at, that you need to learn how to do. Just try. Expect and accept all the learning you do along the way.
- Practice doing a project a little less-than-perfect, making mistakes and being OK with it. Do something at 98% perfect and see how that feels. Then try 90% – be daring – don’t apologize for the burnt crust. It is quite terrifying at first, but it gets easier and the rewards start to pile up as you free yourself from your own standards.
- Push past your own thoughts and judgments and face your greatest fears. Afraid someone will mock your crooked seam? Make a crooked seam anyway. Afraid you will be seen as incompetent for your crumbly pie crust? Serve it anyway – and don’t point it out or apologize. You’ll gradually learn that nothing bad really happens. And if someone says something, it’s like 10 seconds and it’s over. Done. you don’t have to carry it around with you. And because you are building your self-confidence you won’t be seeking that external validation anyway, you will be totally cool with you!
From one perfectionist to another, may you be good enough and keep on flearning.
[…] me a long time to be OK with that. I am still learning to let the imperfections roll off my back. You can read all about being perfectly imperfect here. But, I get lost headfirst in it while I am figuring it out. I lose track of time and forget my […]