How I became my own boss

I fled my career midlife after a 20+ year career as a professional project manager and I have NO REGRETS.

An Unhelpful American Work Ethic

I have worked regularly for pay since I was 12 years old. It started with babysitting and went from there. Working hard has been something that was non-negotiable. My work ethic was pounded into my brain from an early age. I took it and ran with it. To be a success I had to do more, do better, do it right, be the best, work harder, prove myself, gain recognition, have a job title. I worked for people who sucked, who I hated, who didn’t listen to me, who took advantage of me, who abused me.

I had a bad habit of staying in jobs that damaged me, and I just kept taking it and giving 120% to these asshats. I’ve worked for a lot of people in my years. I had horrible boss after horrible boss (ok so a few good ones too, hi Carol & Melody!). You know the ones, difficult, demanding, narcissistic, you running your fingers to the bone doing their job, them NEVER listening to your expertise (um, yah been doing this awhile dude maybe listen to my advice!). 

I’ve worked for a numb nut who was kind but incompetent. I’ve worked for a whip-smart OCD perfectionist who I respected…until it all backfired on me. I worked for 2 complete narcissists whose pathology nearly destroyed me. Both of whom I had grounds to sue, 1 I even filed the torte claim against.

Ignoring the little voice…

And you know what, during all these years, there was always something there – an instinct that things weren’t right – that I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do with my life. I often thought about what it would be like to be the boss, to be my own boss. It would bubble up to the surface and I’d smash it down, carry on. Because I’d think about what I was “supposed to do” and the golden handcuffs that tied me to working for the man – the regular pay, the benefits, the job title. I’d say to myself, “who do you think you are? what do you think YOU would do?”

You know what I did, of course, I smashed and stuffed and crammed the thoughts until one day it all bubbled over in a roiling boiling mess that forced me to take notice and do something about it.

Change my life or sacrifice it for some asshats?

At 45, I was working for the 2nd narcissist. She had it out for me. Everything I did threatened her. She actually told me that I had to watch my face because I questioned her with my face. It’s my face, what am I supposed to do about that!? There is a lot more to this story and I ain’t unpacking that suitcase again but just imagine it was bad, then add like 50% more bad on to that. So you can imagine my health was suffering from the stress of working for all these ass-hats.

I went to my doctor because my blood pressure was so high, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus, and I had just gotten in a car accident with my kid in the car because I was in a daze. I started crying when she asked what was going on. She explained to me what I was experiencing, this was trauma, my health was seriously suffering, I was depressed, anxious and panicked. She recommended I take medical leave immediately and wrote the paperwork that day. I was in shock.

Taking the leap.

At first, I thought I’d take my leave and go back. But then I realized I could never go back, it was so extremely painful to realize and I felt lost. But I knew I had to do something different. 

I wanted to be a role model for my kid to see that we can make changes when we aren’t happy, that we can push ourselves to get what we want in life. 

So I took a big, no HUGE, scary leap and left it all behind. I had to – for me. And yes, I found myself on the floor crying and miserable one afternoon – waiting for my bestie to come pick up and brush me off. And yes, I had to cut back on all my Target runs and eating out and say no to the new Cricut I wanted to buy.

Has it been hard? YES! Has it been worth it? HELL YES!  I have NO regrets, not a single one. 

I had no idea what to do next. But I needed to push myself way outside my comfort zone to become the boss lady I was meant to be. How did I do it?  It started very slowly, inch by inch, each step leading toward the next one.

I had taken a business class at my local Mercy Corp a few months before I left my job. It was a little seed I did just for shits and giggles, but now I needed to water it. So I signed up for the next class in the series. And I began exploring all the entrepreneurial ideas I could come up with. I am a curious person and a researcher, figure-it-outter by nature so that’s how I started. Over time, I added to those initial business courses, met with my local Small Business Development Center, hired a coach, took classes online, downloaded content, read books and recruited “board members/mentors” and it all has helped me grow!

My business started.

I thought of and eliminated a lot of business ideas along the way. I finally realized I should just start doing something I loved and go from there. I’ve always been a crafter-maker so in November 2015 I thought I’d make some things and sell them on Etsy and do some flea markets.

I also took a part-time job for a nonprofit for 2 1/2 years while I hustled on the side. My business was more like a hobby then, it was always on the back burner and I didn’t that take seriously and didn’t put dedicated effort into growing it. I kept putting it off, thinking I’d figure it out later. But I kept making things, flipping, painting, junking, and doing vintage flea and makers markets. I loved doing them and they made me some good side hustle money.

Then my part-time position was eliminated (ask me sometime about how I managed to once again land in a job with an impossible boss who drove me to madness but I still wouldn’t leave). So life slapped me with a “here’s another chance for you” pancake and I had a big choice to make, leap forward to work full time for myself or find another job. 

I chose myself. Finally.

I spent the next few months hammering out a business plan, crunching numbers, meeting with advisors, looking at spaces, and being completely terrified but pushing through it.

In September 2019, I opened an actual brick and mortar studio in Portland, Oregon. I had an amazing shop to do all my creating, I offered workshops and crafting parties and custom work, I did markets, I sold stuff on Etsy and online. 

Freedom, I had freedom! I could breathe. I’ve had high highs (that first $5 I made selling my now-famous Nut Sack, walking into my new studio the first time). I have laughed, felt freedom and joy.  

I’ve had low lows (my business bank account hacked and drained the day before a big flea market). I have cried, raged and felt desperate.  I had expenses! Oh, my sweet cheeks the overhead was a lot! And I was a solopreneur doing it all myself. But I couldn’t do it all, and I couldn’t do even ONE thing well. It was a lot.  I was all over the place.

Solopreneuring is hard.

And, I’m going to give you a real nugget here, you have to put yourself out there to make money.  What? Blown away, right? Well, I was operating my business with a giant case of “Shhhh, don’t look over here, there’s no business here!”  If you look back at my lack of social media presence you’ll see my real palpable fear in effect. “People will judge me, I’m not good enough, who the hell do I think I am anyway.”

And I discovered a few things about myself I didn’t know….such as…er… I don’t like teaching workshops! That was supposed to be my bread and butter baby. I found myself hating the very idea of it. This is weird because I am a people-person, an extrovert who loves chatting people up. But I love the blog one-on-one instruction and tutorials so that is why you and I are chatting right now!

Long story short (ha!) – I made the heart-wrenching decision to close my shop after only 1 year. I have no regrets for doing it (not even for the extra debt). It was the best learning experience, I worked my hiney off, felt every pain and joy of a solopreneur, I made great friends and I would ALWAYS have wondered if that’s what I should be doing.

FLEARNING

So you see, I made a shit ton of mistakes but I flearned my way right through that year and its ups and downs. And I’ve come out the other side of it a stronger more resilient badass and dead set on being fearless, business savvy, and hell-bent for success!